


the new guy

by horse_exobooks



Series: Sour Grapes [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, and also grapes, did u know horse_exobooks loves wine?, pls send grapes, we would be very grapeful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horse_exobooks/pseuds/horse_exobooks
Summary: jongdae finds out the new guy is packing more than just a suitcase.





	

**Author's Note:**

> please be careful if when attempting to give blowjobs while on step stools. this has been a public safety announcement!!!

“Don’t you have work to do or something?” Baekhyun says, nasally, looming in the doorway. His silhouette is blocking the shaft of sunlight Jongdae had been sunning himself in, and Jongdae sits up from where he’d been lying on the reception desk, blinking.

“Haven’t you heard? I’ve been…” Jongdae pauses for effect. “ _Replaced_ , so now I’m the vineyard cat instead.” Baekhyun steps out of the sunlight and further into the room, and Jongdae frowns at Baekhyun’s white shorts. “What, are you planning on going boating?”

“You know me, giving tours to idiot tourists, sailing through life,” Baekhyun says, reaching around Jongdae for something on the desk. “And isn’t the new guy just answering phones and stuff? You’re the personnel manager. Doesn’t sound like a replacement to me.”

Jongdae crosses his arms, still frowning and says, “Junmyeon hired someone to do the most basic part of my job. I hate this new guy on principle.” 

“Your bony ass is on my timetable,” Baekhyun says, shoving at Jongdae’s shoulder to push him out of the way. Jongdae shoves back, because Baekhyun’s breath smells terrible, and there’s a short scuffle that ends with Jongdae smacking his elbow into Baekhyun’s solar plexus and Junmyeon looking disappointed in them both before he even gets through the front door.

“What have I said about fighting at work?” Junmyeon says, with that Sad Parent Look on his face that always tugs painfully at Jongdae’s innards until he apologizes. Baekhyun is still clutching his stomach where Jongdae had elbowed him and trying to catch his breath.

“He started it,” Baekhyun wheezes.

Junmyeon spares them both another concerned look before glancing over his shoulder, and then walking back outside.

“Very mature,” Jongdae hisses, trying to fix his hair from the noogie Baekhyun had given him. “I wish we were actually on a boat so I could push you off.”

Baekhyun sticks out his tongue in retaliation, but before Jongdae can try to rip it out of his mouth, Junmyeon is back, with someone else in tow.

“This is Sehun,” Junmyeon says, gesturing to the man standing behind him. “That’s Baekhyun and Jongdae, and they are… sitting on your desk, for some reason. Baekhyun’s our tour guide, so he’d be the perfect person to show you around.”

Sehun has rainbow unicorn hair that hangs over his eyes and a downturned, pink mouth. He doesn’t look very impressed, but that’s okay, because Jongdae is impressed enough for the both of them. Still studying the long line of Sehun’s neck, Jongdae casually elbows Baekhyun in the side, making him fall off the edge of the desk. 

“Oh look!” Jongdae says sweetly. “Baekhyun is suddenly indisposed, but I’d be glad to take his place.”

“O...kay,” says Sehun, and Jongdae tries not to wriggle with delight because his voice is hot too. 

“You’re _disgusting_ ,” Baekhyun whispers from where he’s sprawled on the floor, just loud enough for Jongdae to hear. 

Junmyeon looks between them both, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Sehun and I actually have some things to go over first,” he says, walking into his office. Sehun trails behind, shoulders slumped just a little, like he knows he’s the tallest person in the room by a foot, and the door shuts behind them.

“Okay, so maybe I don’t hate this new guy on principle,” Jongdae says, after a few moments of staring after them. He wonders if Sehun would be okay with bending Jongdae over this desk and --

“You’re a shallow whore,” Baekhyun says sourly, standing up and brushing himself off. He’s got dirt on his white shorts.

“Shallow I may be,” Jongdae says with fervor, “but for him, I would get down on my knees for free.”

“His legs are longer than your entire body.”

“It doesn’t matter, I would get on a stepstool to suck that dick.”

“Jongdae is as classy as usual, I see,” says Kyungsoo, who has appeared, like always, when Jongdae least wants to see him, which is also always, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk on his face. “Baekhyun, there’s dirt on your tacky white shorts.”

“I’ll have you know Jongin picked these out,” Baekhyun says.

“After two bottles of that new Chardonnay,” Kyungsoo replies. “Not that anyone should be taking fashion cues from a starving artist that thinks it’s okay to wear Birkenstocks to a wedding in the winter.” Kyungsoo crosses his arms. “Wipe that look of extreme thirst off your face, Jongdae. You look like a camel.”

“Oh, you’re here,” Jongdae says. “Another day where that wish I made on a falling star that you’d suffer from a mysterious, inexplicable and violent death hasn’t come true.”

“You’d wither away without me,” replies Kyungsoo.

“I’m not like you,” Jongdae says. “I’m not an unhappiness vampire. I don’t feed on the continued suffering of those around me. Therefore the happiness I would gain from your absence would only make me bloom like the beautiful spring flower that I am.”

“If I truly fed on the unhappiness of others, I wouldn’t be such a good event planner.”

“You hate your job,” Baekhyun says, scrubbing in vain at smudge on his shorts. Jongdae hopes he trips and falls into some mud out in the fields later. "You're feeding on your own unhappiness."

“My job is fine. Have you ever considered that maybe I just hate _you_?” Kyungsoo asks. “Though honestly, I’m not sure which of you two I hate more.”

“It’s Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, at the same time Jongdae says, “It’s me.”

Chanyeol comes bounding through the doorway, knocking into Kyungsoo and then picking him up, like a bull trying to repair the china shop. “Is the new guy here yet??” 

“I already called dibs,” Jongdae says quickly, as Kyungsoo allows Chanyeol to rub his big hands all over his body to clean the dust off. 

Baekhyun is scowling. “You can’t call dibs on humans, you neanderthal.”

“You’re just jealous,” Jongdae smirks, “because I’m making a move on someone I’m into while you’re still pining over-- “

Baekhyun slaps the hand he’d been using to scrub at his dirty shorts over Jongdae’s mouth and Jongdae recoils. 

“I really like your shorts, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says. Jongdae almost thinks he’s being serious until Chanyeol’s smile widens to show all his teeth, and he adds, “It looks like you’re about to go out on a yacht!” Jongdae snickers.

“I hope the new guy has better taste than all of you,” Baekhyun says. “Would you still want to get into Sehun’s pants so bad if they looked like this?”

“He could even be wearing them with that indescribably horrible shirt you’ve got on,” Jongdae answers. “My dicklust will not be thwarted so easily.”

“Wow,” Chanyeol says. “Can’t wait to see how this turns out.”

“Shouldn’t you be busy sucking--”

“Up to that local artist,” Kyungsoo smoothly interrupts as Junmyeon's office door opens. “We need Jongin to paint the murals on the walls in the new addition before the big wedding we’ve got coming in a few weeks from now. Speaking of which, have you guys had a chance to talk to the bride and groom yet? If not, make sure you do when they’re here in a bit, because they’re a real treat.”

“Is that the bride who asked me if I could make cake pops modeled after a mold of her future husband’s dick?” Chanyeol asks. He clasps his hands to his chest and makes his eyes do that stupid sparkly thing that always makes the female servers swoon. “Because, if so, I love her and wish she could be mine.”

“It’s so nice to see everyone talking business first thing in the morning!” Junmyeon says cheerfully, ignoring everything inappropriate that might be happening like he always does. “Sehun, this is Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. You’ll meet the others later.”

Jongdae carefully moves in front of everyone else, one hand on his hip. “Don’t worry about learning their names,” he says. “Mine is the only one that matters.”

Baekhyun coughs something that sounds remarkably like _“desperate”_ as Sehun stares at Jongdae, slightly taken aback.

“So,” he says, making his smile even more charming, “ready for that tour?”

*

"So what brings a tall, handsome, svelte, exquisitely proportioned drink of water like you to Napa?" Jongdae asks, glancing up at Sehun with an expression that he hopes comes across as both sensuous and attentive.

"My mom and Junmyeon are old friends, unfortunately," Sehun replies. "Junmyeon used to work with her, before he took over the vineyard or whatever."

"Oh, so you're from New York then?" Junmyeon talks a lot about his time in New York City, mostly about all the girls he met there, which Jongdae finds absolutely infuriating, because Junmyeon waddles around wearing sweaters straight out of the cast wardrobe from 'That 70's Show' while chuckling like a senile grandfather, and there's no way he should have that much game. "What do you think of Cali, then?"

"That it's tacky as fuck, but it’s almost winter back in NYC, and I don't exactly miss the cold." Sehun scratches at his stomach, following Jongdae out the large French doors that lead to the open sun-porch. "Also, you have to drive everywhere, and everyone here's driving sucks."

“The weather does give everyone in Napa an excuse to drive their sports cars around,” Jongdae says, and sweeps his arms out widely at the terrace. “This is where we host larger events, weddings and stuff.” 

The sun-porch is raised slightly, giving them a view of the outdoor space used for receptions, and the covered section that doubles as part of the villa’s restaurant on the four days the week it's open. The sunlight hitting the porch makes the rainbow-colored streaks in Sehun’s hair glint and Jongdae wants to run his hands through them to see if they’re as smooth as they look.

“Weddings?” Sehun frowns, squinting into the sunlight. "What a waste of money."

Well, Jongdae doesn't think marrying Sehun would be a waste, but in an effort not to come on too strong (or, in Baekhyun's words, "cling like the scent of Chanyeol's cheap Kohl's cologne,"), he wisely avoids mentioning how good he looks in wedding dresses and a nice pair of heels. “Kyungsoo -- oh, you remember the short, satan-esque asshole earlier? -- he plans those.”

“Only in California would someone want Satan to plan their wedding.”

“People seem to like him. I think his general unapproachability and surliness gives the whole experience that extra spice.” Below them, Jongdae can see Minseok setting up for one of their larger lunchtime wine tastings, and he lets Sehun head down the stairs first, definitely not taking the opportunity to check out his ass. 

Who is Jongdae kidding? He's not a saint. He almost falls down the stairs.

"Did you almost just fall down the stairs?" Minseok asks, in lieu of a greeting. 

"I got into a scuffle with Baekhyun earlier, and I think it affected the balance of my inner ear,” Jongdae explains breezily. “I may never walk the same again."

"That's what you said the last time you fell down the stairs." 

"I maintain I was pushed," Jongdae replies, trying to hold on to a sense of dignity. His last birthday had gotten out of hand, and there'd been a bit of a Showgirls situation. 

"And I maintain that Kyungsoo wouldn't touch you even if he could kill you with a brush of his fingertip. Let alone to push you down the stairs." He tilts his head. “So who's your friend?” Minseok's expression shifts from amused to charming as he smiles up at Sehun, a wine key and a bottle in each hand. 

Jongdae narrows his eyes. He knows where this is going. “This is Sehun, the new guy. I’m giving him a tour.” He bares his teeth behind Sehun's --broad, muscular, divine, beautific-- back. 

“Is Baekhyun busy or something?”

He thinks of Baekhyun sprawled out on the floor of the office. “Sure. Busy. Let’s go with that.”

Minseok sets down the wine bottle to shake Sehun’s hand. “So you’re Jongdae’s replacement.”

To Jongdae’s horror, the previously implacable Sehun’s cheeks turn pink and he ducks his head, looking embarrassed. Minseok still has a hold of Sehun’s hand. “No, I’m just here to answer phones and stuff. My parents are hoping I’ll learn something about wine while I'm working here.”

“You seem smart enough. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot,” Minseok says, voice as smooth as a buttery California Chardonnay, and Jongdae thinks he _squeezes_ Sehun’s hand, which is just not okay, because Jongdae totally called dibs.

Jongdae separates their still-joined hands with a swift karate chop. “Time for the next stop on our tour!” he says, leading Sehun away quickly. Sehun looks baffled, like he's coming out of a drugged haze, shaking his hand from where Jongdae had karate chopped it (probably because Jongdae is so hot his touch burned), but follows anyway. As they take the two-steps down to the closely mowed grass, Jongdae looks over his shoulder and mouths _"back off, he's mine, you irresistible man-siren!"_ and hopes Minseok can read his lips.Minseok has already turned his back, returning to whatever task he'd been at when they started.

"He seemed… friendly," Sehun says, rubbing the back of his neck as they move into the direct sunlight. His fruity, rainbow colored hair flutters at a draft of wind, making him look like an incredibly sexy boy-man version of a My Little Pony character. 

"He's an incubus," Jongdae replies. "Trust no one. Except me. I'm eminently trustworthy." Sehun looks unimpressed by that statement, but Jongdae follows it up with his most winsome smile, and gestures toward the sprawling acreage of the vineyard, rows upon rows of grapes heavy on the vine. "So, this is where the magic happens!"

"The magic?" One of Sehun's eyebrows lifts, and Jongdae hadn't previously been aware that it was possible for Sehun to look sexier, but he stands corrected. He's seen the error of his ways. "Do you mean the completely natural process of plants growing?"

"Here in California, the homeland of Walt Disney, we understand that nature is magical. I don't know what things are like out there on the East Coast Least Coast, but here, we celebrate the flowering of each vine as the special event it is."

"Walt Disney is from Chicago," Sehun says. "He came to California to die, clearly."

"And how _lucky_ he was to die here, in such a ~magical land~." He grins, wiggling his fingers as though casting out fairy dust. Sehun is possibly charmed despite himself. Jongdae is used to being charming despite the great adversity posed by his actual personality. 

Out of the corner of his eyes, Jongdae catches sight of Kyungsoo and Baekhyun guiding a couple out toward the vines. "Oh great. There's Baekhyun." 

"And wedding planning Satan?" Sehun questions, stonefaced.

"Oh my God," Jongdae says, "I'm never, ever going to remind you what his name is. Just call him that. Call him that _to his face_."

"Are you telling strangers how symmetrical your face is again?" Kyungsoo asks, while Baekhyun pauses to tell the couple something inane and probably false about the vines that sprawl over the hillside.

" _It is perfectly symmetrical. My beauty is because of science!_ " Jongdae hisses indignantly, because his mother always told him beauty should be shared and celebrated.

"Yeah, but your balls aren't. I saw them under that skirt you wore at your birthday," Kyungsoo leans forward, the light of unholy glee in his eyes, " _when you fell down the stairs._ "

Jongdae yelps. "You'll go to hell for what you did!"

"You mean he'll go home?" Sehun says, that one eyebrow lifting a fraction of an inch again.

Kyungsoo looks at him, appraising. "Watch out, Jongdae. Your replacement's a keeper." Kyungsoo turns a smirk on Jongdae. "Hopefully he's less clumsy than you after a few glasses of wine."

"First of all, it was thirteen tequila shots. Second of all, I was _pushed_." 

"By what? A random gust of wind?"

"Why did you drink thirteen shots of tequila at work?" Sehun doesn't sound that curious, actually, but Jongdae knows Sehun must find him naturally fascinating because he is. "Not that I care."

"It was my twenty-first birthday. My fourth twenty-first birthday."

Kyungsoo's smirk grows. "He's not going to admit he's older until he can manage twenty-one shots in one night. The closest he's gotten was the second time, when he made it all the way to seventeen shots. Unfortunately, it's also the closest he's gotten to dead."

"I always knew you'd miss me terribly if I died."

"It was only unfortunate because I had money riding on you having to get your stomach pumped at fifteen shots in." Kyungsoo growls in the back of his throat. "Not only is that twenty dollars I'll never see again, but I also have to know, deep in my heart, that the money went toward the terrible perm Baekhyun showed up with a week later. I still have waking nightmares."

Baekhyun, because he's got the personality of a dog that's been left at the pound and dreams longingly of being adopted despite numerous obvious flaws, hears his name and perks up. "And here is some of our lovely office staff that keep this vineyard running," he says, gesturing to Jongdae and Sehun like he isn't plotting Jongdae's death for the damage done to his shorts. Jongdae is going to have to sleep with a baseball bat for the next week, just in case. Or maybe he'll just sleep with Sehun instead, if everything works out the way he's planning.

"Great," says the woman, almost as unenthusiastic as Sehun. She seems a bit stoned, which is nothing too out of the ordinary for weddings here, so Jongdae doesn't judge. "Didn't you say there would be wine?"

"Of course, Miss Choi," Baekhyun says, in the extremely annoying cruise director tone he uses while giving tours. "We're heading down to the cellar next on our tour." Baekhyun smiles at Jongdae evilly and says, with every ounce of cockblock in his body, "why don't you and Sehun join us, Jongdae? It's a good chance to get to know the bride and groom before the wedding!"

"I wish you were dead," Jongdae says, and then remembers there are guests and rephrases. "I mean, yes, great, we should start with a red."

*

Kyungsoo looks entirely too amused as he seductively pours Sehun a glass of their special house merlot, after taking a sip from the giant stemless wine glass the size of a watermelon that Junmyeon had insisted were not only necessary but, quote, _so chic_. Jongdae calls bullshit, because the indirect kiss and seductive tongue thing is usually Minseok's move. Kyungsoo would know, since he's been ogling Minseok's mouth for over three years and Jongdae's been pretending he hasn't noticed just to save it for the most opportune moment, for maximum humiliation. Also he wants to get Baekhyun, who suffers from the same incubus sickness, in one fell swoop. He's just biding his time. Playing the long game.

Kyungsoo offers the glass to Sehun, gripping with both of his hands. They look like toddler hands holding the large glass, or like the hands of the small antique victorian dolls that Junmyeon has hidden in the closet of his fancy modern Frank Llyod Wright style house that he thinks no one knows he kept like the hoarder he is after they'd all pitched in to buy them for that horrible Tipping the Velvet party. Jongdae still thinks back with delight to Jongin's terrified screams. Jongin's never liked dolls. 

Sehun's fingers grip the glass elegantly as he cradles it in one beautiful, large, delicious hand. Jongdae's in love.

"Thanks," Sehun says. "This is way too much wine for one person but I have to admit something about being here makes me want to drink."

"It's Jongdae," Kyungsoo says.

Sehun doesn't look convinced, but he hasn't looked convinced about a single thing today except Minseok's firm handshake, so Jongdae is only slightly worried. But on principle, he can't have Kyungsoo have the last word.

"I've heard Kyungsoo goes ass to mouth," Jongdae says, right before Sehun takes a sip. Sehun chokes on nothing, tipping the glass of wine and spilling it all over his pressed khakis. 

"From who?" Kyungsoo asks, not sounding very concerned, but Jongdae doesn't care anymore, because the crotch of Sehun's khakis is drenched and plastered to the shape of his apparently _monster_ cock.

"My God," Jongdae whispers in the reverent tones of someone at prayer in church. "That is a _huge_ \--"

"--mess!" Baekhyun interjects, "which is a problem because we have guests and are not alone in this cellar!"

"Don't let us stop you," Miss Choi says, swirling the wine in her own giant glass like this is the best fun she's had all day. Her fiance looks equally amused.

"Yeah," he says, his wine already at least half gone, "my money's on it having been Baekhyun's ass and mouth."

"He wishes," Baekhyun says, as Kyungsoo huffs, "In his dreams."

"My eyes are up here," Sehun says to Jongdae, who hasn't moved or breathed in a solid minute.

"You have eyes?" Jongdae replies, and Kyungsoo smacks him upside the head. 

Jongdae blinks, long and hard, just like -- 

"Unprofessional," Kyungsoo says, smacking him again for good measure. Jongdae feels like he’s just come up for air after being underwater for hours.

"That's where you draw the line?" Baekhyun asks, looking torn between fury at the idea of Kyungsoo eating his ass, furious interest at the idea of Kyungsoo eating his ass, and fury at this tour being ruined. 

Kyungsoo sighs. "Come on, Sehun, let's go find you another pair of pants." 

Jongdae takes the enormous glass Sehun hands him with trembling hands, and swears he hears a choir of angels as Sehun stands and follows Kyungsoo to the stairs.

"I hope whoever you borrow them from doesn't mind that I'm freeballing today," Sehun's voice echoes as he climbs out of sight, and Jongdae lets out a whimper.

"It's soft," he breathes. He’s absolutely having a religious experience. "It's that big _soft_."

Miss Choi clinks her wine glass to the one Jongdae is holding. "Size queens unite."

Jongdae takes a giant sip of wine to wet his parched throat while Baekhyun judges him, just like always.

"It was definitely Baekhyun's ass," the groom mutters into his own glass.

*

An hour later, while stealing food from Chanyeol as the kitchen preps for lunch service, Jongdae is still talking about it.

“He could literally be a brony and I would still fuck him, it’s that serious.”

“Is his dick _that_ impressive?” Baekhyun asks, mildly intrigued. He’s carefully picking all the bacon bits out of some mini frittata appetizers. "Because this is a new low, even for you."

“It's not just his dick," admits Jongdae as he spoons sriracha mayonnaise into his mouth like it could ever manage to fill the emptiness inside of him left by the knowledge of what Sehun is packing. "Now that I’ve actually had a conversation with him, I want to bone him even more! He’s _such_ an asshole.”

Baekhyun looks up from the pile of food carnage on his plate to stare at Jongdae judgmentally. “What is it with you and your need to have assholes inside your asshole?”

“Like calls to like,” Jongdae replies sagely.

“Does this have anything to do with that ten inch glass dildo that you asked for for your second twenty-first birthday?” Chanyeol asks, as he carefully trims the tops off some wheatgrass for the shavings they use as a confetti-style garnish on one of the hipster vegan salads Chanyeol feeds “real customers”. 

Jongdae smiles to himself, warmed by the memory. “When I received that gift, I said to myself, ‘No human will ever fill the void left by this inside me.’” One of the sous chefs gags into the beet and thyme puree she’s spooning into miniature mason jars to be served with the salmon course, and Jongdae has a sudden, rapturous thought. “What if my magical Harry Potter dreams all come true and he’s a grower?”

“ _Engorgio!_ ” Baekhyun mutters, with a flamboyant wiggle of his fingers.

Behind him, the door to the kitchen is literally kicked open with a _bang!_ and Chanyeol jumps, almost losing a finger to the scissors in his hands.

“Guess what, motherfucker?” Kyungsoo says, pointing at Jongdae with his phone. The smartphone is almost twice as large as his hand and it makes an ominous silhouette.

“Your mom called, and you’ve finally been summoned back to the underworld to ascend to your rightful place on the throne of Hell?” Baekhyun asks, using the need to lick any leftover bacon off his middle finger as an excuse to flip Kyungsoo off.

On the other side of the counter, Chanyeol perks up. “Did the special edition set of Gilmore Girls, complete with director’s commentary, that you ordered from Amazon come in?”

“I got Sehun’s number,” Kyungsoo says, with the viciousness of an animal tearing into raw flesh, “and we’re going out for drinks tonight.” He offers the whole kitchen one of his deceptive heart smiles, and Jongdae curses the day Kyungsoo was born.

“You wouldn’t,” he gasps, and Kyungsoo’s smile widens until all his teeth are showing.

“We’re going to have a great time,” he leers. Jongdae slides off his stool and onto the disgusting kitchen floor in despair. “It might even turn out to be a great chance for me to go ass to mouth.”

“Oh, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says in his admonishing, mother-of-four-kids voice, and Jongdae has a brief glimmer of hope that Chanyeol will defend him. “Just make sure you remember to bring some mouthwash.”

“I hate this job,” the sous chef says, literally throwing in the towel, and it flutters down off the counter, landing on Jongdae’s face. The darkness of the cloth covering his eyes is nothing compared to the abyss opened up by Kyungsoo’s vindictive laughter.

*


End file.
